5th August, 2024- Month 2

I can’t believe it has already been 60 days since we’ve been apart. Time has moved both too fast and too slow. To give an update, Thinley has been keeping busy with work, and if I may expose him a little, he has been indulging in way too many ice creams under the excuse of “tasting” them. He recently received his first salary of KD 135, and the first thing he did was send KD 50 to his sister in Bhutan. That made me so proud. Watching him grow, take responsibility, and achieve things on his own feels like watching someone you love transform right before your eyes.

Lately, I’ve been teasing him about his time in Losel School, how he used to get scolded and even beaten for not knowing the answers to questions. I met one of his old teachers, and he told me that whenever he asked Thinley something, his response would always be "I don’t know." That, of course, led to him getting punished. Hearing this story from his teacher made me laugh, but I could also imagine little Thinley, clueless yet unbothered, trying to get through school in his own way.

One of the most unexpected things happened during one of our casual chats. I’m not sure how, but we ended up making plans to meet in Bangkok on the way when he returns after two years. I really hope it happens. Come to think of it, we have never taken a real vacation together, just the two of us, in a beautiful place, free from responsibilities and worries. I want that so badly. I want to take him to a nice hotel with a breathtaking ocean view, walk barefoot on a sandy beach of Pattaya while holding each other's hand, take him out for a nice dinner, and explore every mall and night market in Bangkok. Just thinking about it makes me wish I could fast-forward time.

Oh, and speaking of unexpected things, he recently had a dream where I was cheating on him. That dream became the reason for a very serious interrogation, where he straight-up asked if I was cheating on him. The fact that he got suspicious because of a dream was both hilarious and ridiculous. I teased him about it, but deep down, I know it just means he really cares.

But now, onto the harder part. His health has been declining from all the long hours of

standing and working. His legs hurt constantly, and I’ve been telling him to soak them in ice, but by the time he gets home, he’s too exhausted to do even that. He has developed a severe rash on his swollen feet, and the thought of him struggling like this makes me feel so helpless. As if that wasn’t bad enough, his meals mostly consist of instant noodles because he only has one pot to cook in. I hate that I can’t do anything to help. I wish I could cook for him, even just once, or do something, anything, to make things easier for him.

Lately, I’ve been troubled by a lingering feeling of guilt. Did I make a mistake by agreeing to his decision to go abroad and work? I keep asking myself that question, and the fear that something bad might happen to him has been eating for this entire time. That fear became a reality when he collapsed and had to be taken to the hospital by one of his co-workers. The moment I found out, my heart dropped. His mother doesn’t know, and we’ve all agreed to keep it from her. But in my head, all I can think is how foolish was I? How could I let this happen? I feel partly to blame. He is really going through a tough time, and I hate that I can't be there for him the way I want to be.

To make matters worse, he rarely shares these struggles with me until something like this happens. He dodges conversations about his health and work conditions, which frustrates me beyond words. I don’t understand why he holds back, I have reassured him, time and again, that as his partner, I want to be there for him. But no matter how many times I say it, he still doesn’t open up completely. I just wish he would be honest with me about his problems, let me in, trust that I can handle the truth, and let me be there for him.

Thankfully, there’s some good news. He has been feeling isolated where he is, and he really wanted to go back to Khaitan, where he was with the Bhutanese friends he came with. I helped him write a request letter to his manager, and it worked, he’s being transferred back to his old place. That brings me some relief, knowing he won’t feel so alone anymore.

Meanwhile, I’ve been occupied with the PrEP launch, but no matter how busy I get, I always try to make time for him. At the end of the day, no amount of distance or responsibilities can change the fact that he is still my person, and I will always be here for him, even when he refuses to let me.

Signing out,
Day 60 of Our LDR.